A core wound begins in childhood. It is whatever hurt, neglected, abandoned, or abusive behavior that has caused any damage to the self-esteem. We all carry core wounds. Once a core wound is triggered, the original place, memory, event, or series of events is ignited.

Intimate relationships trigger core wounds.  Your partner can have a certain tone of voice or body language, values about money, and time spent together lessens -- sexuality and affection wane.

All at once, you feel you are trapped, feel emotionally repressed or numb. It is a domino effect; everything inside of you that has been wounded and untended rises, and what was in denial comes to light.

When the “other” no longer appears to be the answer to your dreams, the true work of true love begins in a long-term relationship. Each person has to face the realities of the other's woundedness, needs, and feelings.

Judgment, blame, and resentment build. This is the time to find the deeper, more important aspect of commitment, to discover the healing of core wounds and family of origin patterns, and to become allies on a healing/spiritual journey of true love.

Core Wound

There are layers of trauma, memories, and experiences that form a core wound. There are feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that defend and protect the core wound because it is too painful and too big for the child to feel.

The child, when first wounded, cannot hold the amount of emotional pain, so the child finds coping skills, behaviors, and defenses to numb out these wounded emotions.

Usually, children will act out what they learned from family patterning; some families withhold, others rage, others manipulate, blame, and care-take, others are superior and control, and the patterns are endless. Unless the original feeling, belief, experience, and memory are released, the core wound forms into unconscious, defended, and destructive beliefs, actions, and feelings.

Core wounds are deep, cellular emotional scars and experiences that shape beliefs and feelings into patterning. It is layered to reach a core wound (memory/experience) and emotionally, energetically, psychologically, and physically release it.

 To change negative thoughts and feelings about oneself, a person has to be willing to go back and retrieve the original, authentic self from before the trauma happened. Uncovering core wounds takes vigilance and determination. It is not a comfortable process. Surviving the core wound took many years, energy, and protection.

Wounded Core Beliefs

I am not lovable. I am unworthwhile; I don't deserve it. I am bad, I am wrong, everyone hates me, I'll never get what I want, I'm stupid. I have to be good to be loved. Those are core beliefs. These beliefs are sometimes conscious, sometimes not.

Tara Brach, PhD, calls it "the trance of unworthiness." Sometimes, you can be aware of a core wound and where it started, but you can still not change it. Awareness doesn't necessarily change beliefs. This is where the risk comes in. Releasing the core wound, you must dig into the fascia muscle, the cellular energy of your family pattern, and learn to feel, express, and receive. You have to tell the truth.

This takes courage and the willingness to receive and take responsibility for the consequences of your expression.

Core wounds are specific to each individual and personal history—about money, relationships, creative potential, intelligence, and body image—based on the specific beliefs families teach their children, directly or indirectly, by what they say, how they treat you, and how they mirror back to you: validate or invalidate you.

Wounded Unexpressed Emotions

The feelings accompanying core wounds: self-hatred, grief, rage, hurt, fear, terror. These are the feelings that are mostly kept numb, so the person doesn't feel the negative belief or feel the memory or experience that traumatized them. The child cannot hold or express these feelings; they freeze, take flight or attack and go numb to survive. Covering up the wound begins...

Wounded Behaviors

Then there are the behaviors: control, power, manipulation, isolation, reaction, defense, paranoia, blame, lack of follow through, hyper-vigilance, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, collapse, attack, talking fast, doesn't talk, habits, idiosyncrasies, denial, delusion, lying. Behaviors that reject or cling, exaggeration to either end. An Either/Or type of thinking and behavior. Lack of vulnerability, forgiveness, and acceptance. Judgment controls each thought and feeling.

Wounded Family Patterns

Then there are patterns: victim/victimizer, special/worthless, withholder, addict, martyr, people pleaser, savior, abuser, seducer. These are mostly unconscious behaviors and need to be made conscious.

These patterns are known as co-dependent. Most do not see these behaviors in themselves. They see it in others but are blind to their own participation and actions. These are deep patterns of defense. They are energetic, long-term, and generational. They need to be changed, layer by layer, one step at a time, with each situation, relationship, and event that occurs.

Memories, for instance, your memory of the beating, verbal criticism, emotional judgments, all the abusive rejection, the particulars of how you feel hurt and were abandoned, are unique to you.

These memories have feelings and beliefs that shape your self-esteem and image. Each one builds the core wound, solidifying it every time, triggering it when something similar reminds you of that experience or memory, and then reacting.

There is a saying, "When bitten by a snake, you are afraid of a rope." That is how a core wounded memory works. You might not even know why you fear a rope until you unfreeze the original memory of being bitten by the snake. Of course, as I said, there are layers to this for each person. It is not just one event; simultaneously, one awakened, feeling body memory can open up many, a domino effect. That is why taking it one step at a time is important.

The pain of the original abuse or wound can be overwhelming. The knowledge, the feeling, the actuality that one has been abused, can be known in the mind, but once it hits the body, it can be very explosive and shocking. Compassion, patience, and opening up to oneself greatly require energy. At the same time, repressing all of these wounds takes a lot of energy, which can cause exhaustion, physical symptoms, depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.

Primarily, these complex behaviors and feelings are created to protect, defend and keep the wounded child safe. It is how she/he learned to cope, survive, and stay numb to the trauma. Most of it is unconscious. The person doesn't even know they are feeling or acting in any destructive way. They might know they are unhappy and not getting what they want and know they have been abused, but they can't identify, locate, or feel any of the above. The process is to bring into the conscious what is unconscious. It takes courage and risk.

You are bringing all of this to the table in an intimate relationship. Unless you are willing to go on this healing journey together, with your partner as an ally and guru who helps you see yourself through all the veils of defense subtly, the relationship will stay frozen and go dead. Intimacy is a constant awakening. It is for those who dare to be uncomfortable and vulnerable and find the strength to open their hearts to everything painful and joyful.

To truly love deeply, you need to feel your broken heart. This heart softens, awakens, and allows the most fiery, intense, and passionate emotions to exist within the relationship. Intimacy is messy, exciting, and scary. It is the most thrilling ride in life.